What a title. Why did I type that? Is it because I've finally reached the point where my birthday feels less important than the accumulation of things I've spent that year doing? Yes. Am I here to brag about those things? No. Welcome to my Annual Birthday Panic AttackTM in blog post form. My birthday has just passed with what I would call a small hurrah, which for some reason is the way I want it to be. This is the first year in a long time where my birthday hasn’t felt like a huge moment that I need to make a weekend out of and I don’t know if that’s a sign of my maturity or a sign that I’ve absorbed myself too much into my work. This week’s blog post won’t be as relatable or based around lifestyle, so I have to apologize for that. This week is about personal growth and the process goal setting. In the grand scheme of things, I am a child. I sit in a board meeting and the people around me see me as the young social media savant that had never experienced 8-track and has only ever held a small floppy disk. And though I know what a VHS is, I still find myself having to work harder to not be pointed at the chair with the booster seat.
I’ve drank the elusive “drink me” and have made the world around me shrink. Instead of feeling so insignificant, I’m starting to feel too big and very aware of the things I destroy with my oversized adult feet. Change: intransitive verb 1: to become different 2: to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution I can make a change now, we all can and I feel like there's enough time to think about the change you want to see and never enough time to make the change tangible. I want to hold the change in my hand, I want to open the world for new voices and I want to be the person that I wanted to be growing up. Even if I always imagined that person to be a nurse. Goals: the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result. So this year instead of setting personal goals, I’m setting personal change and community change to my roster of to-dos. I’m going to use my power and my privilege to touch the lives of people around me and thank them for every ounce of support and creativity they produce to our world. If I had a million dollars, I want the world around me to be rich and the soil to produce the next years harvest without fear of draught. It’s strange that I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much because this year has probably been the biggest yet. This year I got into the job market, maintained three jobs while going to school full time, made Dean’s list, got to film in the premieres office, got to celebrate my mothers 60th birthday, got three tattoos, grew my hair out to my natural colour, learned how to use liquid eyeliner, got a new vehicle, gained lasting friendships, a longterm boyfriend, professional relationships, understood my gender identity, participated in the world! BIG BREATH. I’m also graduating this year. I have a fear that this feels minimal to me, when will a year feel substantial enough. My plans for the next month, as the year ends is to set goals for myself and for change, plan the trips I will go on in the next year, finish some writing submissions and make meetings with industry leaders to better myself and, cliche enough, create a mood board. I don't want to create a list of my goals on this blog because this year they feel very private, and I feel like if I put them in the universe, I'll lose them somehow.
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If you clicked on this I’m sure that you struggle with balance. And when I say balance I don’t mean how well you can stand on one leg, I mean the internal balance that we must maintain to feel fulfilled, happy and normal. Balance comes fundamentally from understanding the world around you and where you fit into it. Essentially: what elements do you need from the world and what things do you need to give back in order to keep the scales stable. Correct me if I'm wrong, but as people I believe that we are generally reactionary, meaning that we only try to get balance in our life when we're 10 feet deep in chaos. The key is to become better at maintenance and in turn better at knowing who we are as individuals. All these struggles you face with feeling out of control and unable to find balance is within everyone. We all feel this loss of control. Recently, because of my frantic need to regain the regins in my life, I’ve internally found a new way to help visualize personal balance. This is what this blog post is about! First, it’s important to know and acknowledge that no one has the same balance to maintain. Every person has a different centre of gravity and equilibrium, everyone emphasizes different values that need to be fulfilled. And that’s what balance is: making sure all your values are met. Values: a person's principles or standards of behaviour; one's judgment of what is important in life. On the road to balance and inevitably happiness it’s important to sit down and mentally take note of your values, or even write them down. "What things make me the happiest?" "What things do I not want?" "What do I not have enough time for but am better off doing?" After you answer these questions I find that its easiest to start by writing down your values and working to narrow it down to four important values that are measurable. This can help the whole procedure to feel less overwhelming. If you're struggling to do this, it's important to look at what makes you unique and what fuels you. Does exercising make you happier? Does writing poetry? Do you need to spend a certain amount of time traveling? Use your values to assess and find your gasoline. Let me give an example, the best way to think about it is this strange alignment chart. When the happy face (you) is in the center is when you’re values are at 100% but when one takes over the other you’ll see that you lose your balance and some fundamental element of what is makes you happy.
So I made a change to restore my balance, (1) connected my friends and family (2) made plans and made sure it wasn’t the last ones for a while and (3) introspectively set more time aside for the people in my life. This may be the A type in me but I find this to be the best way to evaluate and make an effort to rebalance myself. If you find yourself drained, or you haven’t posted on your personal blog in almost six months, it may be time to reassess. In my opinion, you can’t keep whipping around and expecting the balance to come naturally. So set some time aside for you and bring balance back to your life, reader! Set the scales right and do some introspection! (I've left a blank introspection chart at here for your to try out for yourself!)
Hello everyone! Today is going to be something a little different. After last week's post about my experiences with Anxiety I received so many positive messages and I am beyond loving and appreciative. I also received stories of other people's experiences with anxiety, one of them was frequent guest poster: Haley Ludyk. I found her story incredibly informative and I think it's important for everyone to hear different perspectives. We're loud and proud and we're coping with it! So below, allow me to present Haley's piece called "Anxiety: Taming the Worry Dragons". Hello reader, my name is Haley and I sometimes contribute to this blog. Upon reading Reanna’s post about her anxiety I was inspired to talk about my own. I have had anxiety and ADHD for my whole life, however, I wasn’t formally diagnosed with either one until I was 20 (I’m 22 now for reference). Just getting diagnosed was a struggle; my family actively discouraged me from talking to my doctor and taking medication. I had to almost completely independently venture into getting help. My mom wasn’t all-bad about it though, she just didn’t believe how bad things had gotten for me. She couldn’t understand the way my mind would race, how sometimes I would be laying in the fetal position thinking, “help me, help me, help me,” over and over again. All I wanted was for the thoughts to go away. I had no power against them, it felt like all I could do was wait for something, be it sleep or a distraction, to ease them for a time. I could not cope any longer; I couldn’t live the rest of my life constantly having my mind filled to the brim with fear and worry. This is what brings me to the subtitle of this piece “Taming the Worry Dragons.” When I was 11 and had my first run-in with extreme anxiety. My mom lovingly but ignorantly gave me this book, “Taming the Worry Dragons.” The book was filled with ideas and mantras angled towards children to help them “deal with their anxiety on their own.” Now, this might work for some people, but it certainly didn’t work for me. My worry at just 11 was so extreme that I gave myself ulcers and had terrible stomachaches for nearly two years. I tell this story to illustrate a point, don’t assume because you can cope with your worries and anxieties naturally that other people can. I dealt with my anxiety unhealthily for almost ten years because of the way I was treated when I tried to go to the people close to me for help. I got condescended too, belittled, and ultimately shamed into doing nothing about my very real illness. Flash-forward to today, I now take medication for my anxiety and ADHD, and I finally have a diagnosis (Generalized Anxiety Disorder with severe ADHD and OCD tendencies). I can’t stress enough how validating just getting a diagnosis is. It is so comforting to actually have people believe you and explain that you have an illness that can be treated, instead of suffering alone with your horrible and terrifying thoughts. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had hope, I could be “normal” (-ish). See medication has been crucial for me because of the level to which my mental health was affecting my everyday life. Throughout most of junior high and high school, I had bad and sometimes abusive relationships because of my mental illness. My anxiety can’t ever be fully blamed but its fairly difficult to maintain healthy relationships when your mind is constantly telling you everyone you love hates you and will leave you; and when they do leave you, its just more fuel for your mind to use against you later. I would spiral into these pits of my own making. My chest would feel tight, I would be sweaty, and I would feel sick to my stomach. In the end, I would usually isolate myself from the people I loved most to protect myself from the eventual (maybe) harm they would cause me. My mind was my worst enemy, and the medication is the only thing that has ever been able to quiet it. Now I feel like I can live normally, I can have lasting and worthwhile relationships, and I can cope with my day-to-day anxieties. All in all, the main things I have to say about anxiety are the following:
Thank you for reading, Haley Do you have your own experience with topics like anxiety, mental illness or coming out? I want to hear from you! Send your story to [email protected] and let me know if you'd want to be featured!
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